This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow