This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Yup
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert