This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.