@DiabeetusNurse: This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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@pleatedjeans: Fun way to prank Jesus is to invite him snorkeling haha he'd be stuck on top walking on the water while ur underneath having all the fun
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Where do people go when they die? Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not? 3: It's full of dead people.
@moneebthinks: Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far. Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.