This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes