This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source