Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
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How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
What if the weather talks about us?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun