If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Go hard or stay average
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.