This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
You Might Also Like
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.