Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
You Might Also Like
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
When you’re Kinky but poor
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’