I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying