Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.