This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.