This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
brian had himself a morning…
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
hey, alexa
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.