@GrantTanaka: this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
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@bencoffeehall: Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where's Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!
@JordanPeele: I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
@ThisOneSayz: [At the pearly gates] Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here? Saint Peter: the book was so much better.