this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.