“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
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wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.