My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
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HEYYYY MACARENA
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .