This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Tier 3 meme
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE