This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Covid like
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer