This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.