I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
You Might Also Like
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
“What movie?” 🤔
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.