Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
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Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.