I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
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Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times