If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”