Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!