@abhorrent_wife: This could be us but you eatin'
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@doktorj: A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night. *twists ankle by the copier
@edana_irish: Why girls want to be mermaids 1. No pants 2. No periods 3. Perfect hair 4. You get to lure men to their deaths 5. Free clam bra
@1Happytwit: I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.