@joerogan: This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.
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@JermHimselfish: *takes a home pregnancy test* *finds out home is pregnant* *calls a carpenter to find out if it's gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
@4SLars: So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I'll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
@Ketamine_Stalin: THE SUN HASN'T RISEN IN SIX WEEKS AND THE ANIMALS ARE AGITATED. THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM JUST SAYS "THAT'S ALL FOLKS"
@jokesforsmokes: "I have a bloody nose" - a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.