Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
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Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”