Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
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If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.