@Parentpains: This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
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@wickedimproper: Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: "Well, isn't this quaint?" Day Two: Murder
@my_minivan_life: Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
@thenatewolf: Ah, yes, Halloween. The perfect night for me, a man who gets spooked when the commercials are louder than the show. Fantastic.
@Parker_Simpson: Thinking ab including nude photos of me in my Tinder profile to weed out women who vomit easily