@Parentpains: This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
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@trojansauce: *wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*
@danjan13: My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don't think it's weird, it's so clever! My gf 2nd month: listen
@theshamingofjay: Waiter: how do you want your burger? Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare