@Parentpains: This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
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@SCbchbum: If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won't be able to come over & visit.
@ClassicMegan: If I were a waitress, I'd be planting fake engagement rings in every girl's food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
@lwhit_the_boss: A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it's hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.
@sploosk: THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster