This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.