@rpbateman: This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote "sexy" on all of his wife's friends' pics.
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@ranndrew: Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th. Bae Cop: My parents aren't home. Come over.
@bridger_w: After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off
@enigmaterics: I've started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer. Thus I have to move it to get a beer. Because exercise is important too.
@chrisdowning: Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.