This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]