This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
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[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Born to be mild.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Unsolicited sandwich pics.