@SqueakyFreckles: This crunchy cat food tastes a lot like I just poured from the wrong packet into my cereal bowl.
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@philyuck: “Here we are.” I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field. “No it’s not.” Oh this place is good.
@BubblesnBooze: It's funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you're hot. -everyone on Twitter
@OtherDanOBrien: ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me ME: I like you ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me