Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.