Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
They’re the worst 😩
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus