“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??