This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
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WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH