This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!