This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Money is the root of all wealth
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
#oldknees
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.