This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
This is so me 😂😂
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.