This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank