This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
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The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.