This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
m’lady
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.