This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
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Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Accurate
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Ion see the issue
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
According to math, I’m broke
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.