This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
When I laugh on my period
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822