This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Worlds greatest photobomb
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that