This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
You Might Also Like
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.