This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
the best thing i’ve ever made
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
happy valentine’s day to me
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.