If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
You Might Also Like
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.