@LoveNLunchmeat: This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I'm gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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@jake_likes_naps: *catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit* good luck shaking the police off loser *sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
@Home_Halfway: "My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids." "But...don't you already have 2?" "Yeah."
@nbadag: [hosting a kids show] ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!! KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME! [camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
@truegritrumble: ME: *staring into my lover's eyes in the midst of a warm embrace* HER: What are you thinking? ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.