This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Sing it!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
catch me on valentine’s day like
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear