@LostCatDog: This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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@juicymorsel: I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
@justaride: I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
@pixelatedboat: I was bitten by a crow, since then I've had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
@simoncholland: Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?