This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
LOL
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.