@AristotlesNZ: This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.
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@hazelmotes1: I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.
@_wangwe: Judge: Did you commit murder? Me: I'm a man. I'm afraid of commitment. Judge: hahaha! Me: hahaha! Judge: Life.
@SteveSuckington: [first date] "You're not into anything weird right?" -not at all *gestures to my ferret army to fall back*