This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.