This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
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If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know