@zgbetty: This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
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@iamspacegirl: Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear* Me: Pft. Some trick. Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: I like a guy with good Southern values ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
@duplicitron: Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
@DamienFahey: Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.